Me: Will you marry me?
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
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day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.
I’d never snoop through my girlfriend’s phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice..
*70 million white women turn around*
In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy