[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
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ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps