…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
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[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Breaking news:
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?