Seismologists are loyal to a fault
You Might Also Like
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again