Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Good morning.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice