Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
forgive me baja for i have blast
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Hero horse inspires millions
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see