Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.

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Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!

Him: Not you again. Get outta here!


Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir


You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.


[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am


In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.


Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!


I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.


– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?


– Do you want some?


Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.


please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody