Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!
Him: Not you again. Get outta here!
Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir
Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.
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You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
– Do you want some?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody