Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.
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[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Drugs are bad…when they wear off.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.
“Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say beautiful instead.”
“Fine. Can you pass me the beautiful sauce then?”
Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.