Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.

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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.


[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea


Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.


girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher


The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.


“Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say beautiful instead.”
“Fine. Can you pass me the beautiful sauce then?”


Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?


Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.


Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.