@delusions_of

Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.

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@ipalatsky

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

@ThugRaccoons

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

@CM2BTTHD

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

@clichedout

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

@TheMichaelRock

The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.

@Sickayduh

“Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say beautiful instead.”
“Fine. Can you pass me the beautiful sauce then?”

@DamienFahey

Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?

@DanDoofus

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

@UnFitz

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.