Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read