@delusions_of

Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.

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@tangledteatime

Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!

Him: Not you again. Get outta here!

[LATER]

Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir

@irreligiousorg

You don’t see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.

@AtticusFinch79

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

@GrandadJFreeman

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

@sixfootcandy

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

@Birdhumms

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

@Not_From_Troy

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

@FeelingEuphoric

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody