Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
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random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.