I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
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6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Me, reading some of your tweets
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side