Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
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Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm