Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
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Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I created you as mosquito food.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.