@keeiks

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

- @keeiks

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@Meh_Tweetz

bought 30 treadmills & placed them around the perimeter of house, when zombies attack my house they will just keep walking for days

@skitzoette

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

@Parentpains

I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.

@offbeatoliv

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

@mommajessiec

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

@Marlebean

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

@sonictyrant

Astronaut: *examining a large knot* Houston please be advised. The moon’s a balloon

Houston: what ! proceed carefully

Me: you think we should p-

Houston: DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LET HIM POP THE MOON JESUS CHRIST

@CroweJam

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

@momTruthBomb

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids