Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
When you let grandma cat sit
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.