*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”
Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
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GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
me: make food to eat
chefs: make food to make money to buy food
am I the only smart one on this website????
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
THIS IS SO TERRIFYING
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.