Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
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The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Wait a second…
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.