@HerrOblivious

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

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@girl_a_whirl

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

@Donna_McCoy

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

@MoneypennyNaked

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

@parsfarce

me: make food to eat

chefs: make food to make money to buy food

am I the only smart one on this website????

@AndrewNadeau0

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

@TheAlexNevil

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

@SeanLowe09

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

@JodingersCat

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

@mommajessiec

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.