Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

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I had no internet or cable last night and I was left with my thoughts.

I guess that’s why the pioneers usually died so young.


If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose

“You shall not make for yourself an idol”

That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell


Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure


The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.


ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you


*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.


I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…


Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who