@BoomBoomBetty

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

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@Vodkantots

I had no internet or cable last night and I was left with my thoughts.

I guess that’s why the pioneers usually died so young.

@theshamingofjay

If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose

“You shall not make for yourself an idol”

That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell

@adamgreattweet

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

@samalmightysam

The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.

@chuuew

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

@AmericanGent69

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

@chadzappa

I didn’t spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady…

@StillJessLS

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who