Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
You Might Also Like
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?