A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
*gets down on one knee*
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Rt to bother an English speaker
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Who did it better?
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.