@thongbeard

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

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@jlock17

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

@Maxine12333

If you need anything done now do it yourself, if you want it done right call a pro and if you don’t care if it ever gets done, ask your kid.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

@TheMichaelRock

Never laugh at a toddlers joke unless you want to hear it repeated 425 more times.

@Playing_Dad

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

@nishadtrivedi

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

@Darlainky

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

@daemonic3

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!