@thongbeard

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

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@bigmacher

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

@daemonic3

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

@thenatewolf

Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You?

Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I’m singing it won’t hold me.

@platinumjones

the dance of freedom. the death bells. the rising of the joker.

one of the most magnificent, sublime, monumental, extraordinary scenes in cinema history

@Tw1tter_K1tten

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

@Jerrypleasure

[First Date]

Her: I love One Direction

Me: *to impress her* I carry a compass

@lisasopinions

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

@GoldenSpirals

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.