Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

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I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.


How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed


Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You?

Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I’m singing it won’t hold me.


the dance of freedom. the death bells. the rising of the joker.

one of the most magnificent, sublime, monumental, extraordinary scenes in cinema history


I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.


[First Date]

Her: I love One Direction

Me: *to impress her* I carry a compass


Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
Me: Thx


Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.