Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
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Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.