So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
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If you need anything done now do it yourself, if you want it done right call a pro and if you don’t care if it ever gets done, ask your kid.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Never laugh at a toddlers joke unless you want to hear it repeated 425 more times.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Remember mad cow disease?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!