@SatansTongue

(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those

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@pdxjohnny99

This tweet has been brought to you by…

…Stay Free Maxi-pads…

…When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.

@Tmoney68

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

@shanethevein

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

@rachelheldevans

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

@simoncholland

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

@WheelTod

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

@caseytduncan

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

@Reverend_Scott

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

@1Happytwit

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

@TheTweetOfGod

Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.