Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
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Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Breaking news:
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.