God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those
You Might Also Like
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room?
ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don’t want to be
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Tried to get my 7 year old cousin to play Hungry Hungry Hippos but the fences at the zoo are really high.
ME: so what ur saying is, no one milks the dinosaurs bc it’s too dangerous
TOUR GUIDE: that is not what i’m saying at all
No thanks, people who hum to themselves.
I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that you probably just killed someone or you’re possessed.