“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.