*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
You Might Also Like
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.