*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
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I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once