Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
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Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.