Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
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Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
one time a friend asked me “how are you still single?!” and the list of reasons is still compiling in my head
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.