@superdollman

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

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@mochanya

My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.

@wittwitbarista

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

@MrsMikePatton

Maybe if we press “2” for Spanish, we’ll actually get someone that speaks English better then the person on the “1” line.

@GreenishDuck

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

@SamuelHlowe

Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.

@TheIronSherk

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

@lisaxy424

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

@ChicksRule

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

@aka_fatman

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.