My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
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Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Maybe if we press “2” for Spanish, we’ll actually get someone that speaks English better then the person on the “1” line.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.