@superdollman

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

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@NicCageMatch

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

@CourtneyBale

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

@PrisonCookies

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

@DanMentos

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

@itsa_talia

one time a friend asked me “how are you still single?!” and the list of reasons is still compiling in my head

@Darlainky

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

@chuuew

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

@Ivsy01

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

@NicestHippo

ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well

@WeekendTwitr

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.