@superdollman

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

You Might Also Like

@Gre_Gone

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

@Real_Dick_Head

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

@sixfootcandy

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

@wolfpupy

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

@HepatitisAtoZ

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

@david8hughes

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

@lifecoachfit

I’m not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours.

Shhhhh. Stop crying.

@offbeatoliv

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.