Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
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*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
My dog: if that helps
I’m not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours.
Shhhhh. Stop crying.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.