Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson