Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
How your email finds me
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.