My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….
If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son’s face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.