SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
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I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign