Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.

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I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.


i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body


When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve



Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.


my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a beat too long*


Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.


Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?


What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one