@kellysdf

Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.

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@pdxjohnny99

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

@AbbiGreenGiant

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

@sock_holliday

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

@ozzyunc

Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.

@notfunnyelle

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a beat too long*

@capnwatsisname

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

@trevso_electric

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

@Bob_Janke

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one