@adamof_alltrade How do I know I’m Canadian?
An AI pedestrian in Grand Theft Auto just sneezed and I said “Bless You” outloud for nobody to hear.
@lbcoen Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.
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@adamof_alltrade 
@theames Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
@Brampersandon_ Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
@fart adam sandler’s wife is madam sandler
@mindykaling When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
@rockymomax [me as a doctor]
ME: *delivers baby* congratulations
NEW MOTHER: what is it
ME: it’s a baby idiot
@sixfootcandy Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
@fro_vo [dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
@SissiSay Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
@ThugRaccoons You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
