Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Bownuggets

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

@frankzulla

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

@perlhack

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

@DirtMcTurd

when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.

@TheAndrewNadeau

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

@shkeeber

*cape flaps in the wind*

Me: Are you ready to defend freedom for another day, Captain K?

Mom: Quit blocking the fan and put the cat down.

@scrirc

I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.

@UncleDuke1969

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

@howe007

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.