@lbcoen

Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.

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@adamof_alltrade

How do I know I’m Canadian?

An AI pedestrian in Grand Theft Auto just sneezed and I said “Bless You” outloud for nobody to hear.

@theames

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

@Brampersandon_

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

@fart

adam sandler’s wife is madam sandler

@mindykaling

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

@rockymomax

[me as a doctor]
ME: *delivers baby* congratulations
NEW MOTHER: what is it
ME: it’s a baby idiot

@sixfootcandy

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

@fro_vo

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

@SissiSay

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

@ThugRaccoons

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask