Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
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At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Whoa 😂
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.