Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Stonehinge
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
🛁
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing