@twylaredsun

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job

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@TheCatWhisprer

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

@KaliciaBo

“You are cute like a dog, Momma!”

My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.

Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.

@mrjohndarby

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

@AlanRutledge

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

@GrandadJFreeman

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

@dulcetry

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

@jessforaminute

Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America’s Next Top Model or the Hamburglar

@JermHimselfish

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.