Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job

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Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.


“You are cute like a dog, Momma!”

My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.


Coworker: You’re so condescending and arrogant.

Me: They mean the same thing so you didn’t need to say both.


[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see


Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!


That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.


Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!


Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America’s Next Top Model or the Hamburglar


You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.