My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
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Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest