Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Customize Your Wedding.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.