Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.