[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
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It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10