@chuuew

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

- @chuuew

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@ghostkrogh

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

@simoncholland

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

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@Lowenaffchen

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@AlexvanBeek

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

@truegritrumble

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@QwertyJones3

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

@Sassafrantz

Changed Grandma’s email signature to “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!”

@davidkenny100

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Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example