[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
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The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra