@Marlebean

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

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@UnderTheJewFro

You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they’re probably a cab driver.

@ch000ch

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

@m0mjawn

took the kids to the park so they could beat each other up in the fresh air

@Cheeseboy22

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

@VerbsRProudest

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

@ArfMeasures

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

@dril

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

@GermanFreckles

No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.

@GrandadJFreeman

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

@livingnBoston

I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.