@Marlebean

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

You Might Also Like

@brandonIee

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

@reputathebeauta

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

@bakedbrotatoes

-You talkin to my girl?
*pops knuckles*

-What if I am?
*cracks neck*

*dislocates shoulder*

*breaks collarbone*

*fractures skull*

@funflaps

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

@Michael1979

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

@TheToddWilliams

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

@ninjadinosaur1

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

@Gupton68

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

@CruisinSoozan

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!