*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

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Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked


If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.


-You talkin to my girl?
*pops knuckles*

-What if I am?
*cracks neck*

*dislocates shoulder*

*breaks collarbone*

*fractures skull*


[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg


Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net


[my laboratory]
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.


I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.


[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t


I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!