@JeffSarcastic

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

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@chill_brock

Me: I will not be awkward today.
Person: hey
Me: good, thanks

@PatsATweetin

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

@lolacoaster

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

@SINGING_GHOSTS

i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats

@LOLGOP

It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! – someone who believes in talking snakes

@baronvonbike

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

@TweetPotato314

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

@pleatedjeans

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees