Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
NSA: dude, let it go
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Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Why on earth would u say “half a dozen” when u can literally say “six”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
*on a date about to propose*
Date: Oh I saw the funniest jif the other day…
Me: *sliding ring back into pocket*
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.