*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

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Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”


Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”


Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror


“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.


I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.


Why on earth would u say “half a dozen” when u can literally say “six”


[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me


I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.


*on a date about to propose*
Date: Oh I saw the funniest jif the other day…
Me: *sliding ring back into pocket*


When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.