*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
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Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes