*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
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showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
it’s the silliest best thing
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My plans: 2020:
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!