*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

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*rises out of neighbor’s hot tub* I’d like to talk to you guys about home alarm systems…


[Me on a Date with my crush]

Me : Will u eat Burger??

Her : No, I’m eating light these days

Me : Waiter! A Burger for me and an LED bulb for this lady.


2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.


Me: okay.


Me: okayyyyyyy.


Relationship status

I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.


Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?


There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.


My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig


Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time


Grad school is my excuse for everything. No text back? Grad school. Havent called in weeks? Grad school. I ate your last donut? Grad school!


My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.