*sends self nudes to see what all the fuss is about

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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what


[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*


I like taking my cats out for a drive to show them roadkill so they know what will happen if they ever leave me.


I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.


When I go to Starbucks, I tell them my name is Marco. When my drink is ready and they call my name, I just keep saying Polo.


Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…


When a kid starts off a sentence with “promise you won’t get mad,” don’t panic. Just be prepared to get mad.


The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.


Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.


MOM: always open the door for a lady
[later on date]
ME: Let me get that for you [reaching under stall door for lock] please stop screaming