*sends self nudes to see what all the fuss is about

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My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.


I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.


Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?


My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.


Me: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Son: happy

Me: no, something reasonable


My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’


gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why


Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“Just take…”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”


The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information