If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late