@sad_tree

*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog*
*aliens respond*
Alien: Whats Updog?
NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there

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@mom_tho

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

@jwoodham

Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can’t and they don’t, so here we are. Stupid land birds.

@qwertying

Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice?

The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

@knot_eye

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

@mommajessiec

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

@JennnyJennn20

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

@dave_cactus

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

@hansdickie

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

@RackOfSteel

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.