Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
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Taco Bell, Exit 22
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.