*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
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It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.