Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”