Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
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Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Can I have the definition, please?
Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.
Thanks to Twitter
I can tell people I read.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Murderer: [points a gun at me]
Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.