Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
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My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Just a phase…
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.