@rebrafsim

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

You Might Also Like

@spaceboyriley

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

@carlyken

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

@T_Bonezzz

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

@Ooft_Headshot

Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

@AbbieEvansXO

Murderer: [points a gun at me]

Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome

@UnFitz

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

@TheAlexP

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.