[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
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My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
figuring out my emotional availability:
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation