@DanKCharnley

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

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@OctopusCaveman

My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren’t meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.

@Tommytoughstuff

IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.

@VenisVal

Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?

Boss: Today!

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

@rockymomax

[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooOoOo
*pulls knife from hat*
A: ooOoOo
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
A: NNOOOOOO

@Playing_Dad

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

@AristotlesNZ

Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”