@DanKCharnley

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

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@graceful_asfuck

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

@CulturedRuffian

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

@kiralc

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

@natkaotic

Those of you who believe everything you read on the internet probably also believe there’s hot local singles in your area.

@JojoCaravan

An ambitious bodyguard can specialize and become a shin or mouth guard

@DothTheDoth

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

@TheRealPalMal

Leaves are showing their true colors. This is why I do not trust trees.

@patnspankme

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

@CrystalMoon214

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.