My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren’t meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
You Might Also Like
IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.
Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?
Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
*pulls knife from hat*
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”