Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
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ibopfufen
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
tell em, edith-anne
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.