“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸