Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
You Might Also Like
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
The government even made aliens boring
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”