Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
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*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?