Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

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*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute


*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*


I could’ve had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.


My son’s baseball team just had to forfeit a game for not having enough Evans and Kadens


Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.


Yoga may be the key to your flexibility.
Alcohol is the key to mine.


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.


*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
poor sock


Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants