@DaddyJew: Honey, I think the milks gone bad "what makes you say that dear?" *milk presses the gun to my back* just a hunch, btw where's your purse?

@mybigblondelife: If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.

@IamJackBoot: Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

@teeaysmith: Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

@themorris23: Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven.