@just1fool: My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.

@ArfMeasures: Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins Wife: No you didn't Dog: Ruff Me: See, wrath! Wife: He said ruff! You can't teach a dog to Dog: Gluttony Wife: Holy shit

@jdforshort: Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust Now I'm dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble

@fillthevacuum: *rides off into the sunset* *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock* *rides off into the sunset*

@WhaJoTalkinBout: doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news me: oh god doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I'm too scared