@TheAlexNevil *possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
@OutOfLeftField_ Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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@TheAlexNevil 
@timdonakowski *stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
@WhosTheresa I could’ve had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.
@ValeeGrrl My son’s baseball team just had to forfeit a game for not having enough Evans and Kadens
@scrappy_momma Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
@usermcuserface Well, I made another trip around the sun. Might as well eat cake.
@Mulva74 Yoga may be the key to your flexibility.
Alcohol is the key to mine.
@simoncholland Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
@eff_yeah_steph *sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
@briangaar Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants