Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
screw you
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing