Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
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Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
life finds a way
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)