Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
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*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry