Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
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Check out the legs on this baby
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no